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I started freaking out, trying to push it out and grab hold of it, but to no avail.

I ended up going to my mum in tears and explaining the situation to her.

I felt the sperm again and again poured into the condom.

In the condom had semen on third cup, dog still lying like a whore with the moved apart legs.

You don't need me lecturing you — because you're not hanging out the back of a bus shouting "CLUNGE! You've got sisters, mothers, lovers — female friends and colleagues — and you've never once gone up to any of them shouting, "Blimey! " while honking on their breasts, in the manner of Sid James. You just have to shut yourself in a cupboard and say them over and over again — "FEMINISM! 'The Man'So, when women talk about "The Man", we're not talking about you. We're not dealing with this in a special, noble lady-way.

It felt kinda good, so I pushed it in a bit further, but I lost grip of it and suddenly I was sat in the bath with a shampoo lid stuck up my vagina.

You know the pay disparity; still 20 per cent less for women in this country, and not a single prosecution, even though it's literally illegal. Ugh.")You've seen Amy Schumer's brilliant, edgy sketches on contraception and rape, and laughed along with them. You don't need Tits Mc Gee here to take you through it one more time. No mumbling Like you, we feel a bit embarrassed about saying the word "feminism". " chats, we're just identifying the general locus of the problem, ie, most of the power and influence being held by a small amount of men. I can't emphasise enough how much it's not about burning penises. Periods We're still pretty traumatised about our periods, even though we're now 40. We're just people with a whole load more laundry issues than you.

Someone who fingered you said it was like diddling a Gonk. We're not wise, or in touch with nature, or down with it.

You've noted that while society's happy for a famous man to age, and become distinguished, and generally wander around looking like a fucking wizard, the women generally still seem to be 20 years younger, and standing there on the cover of magazines, all like, "Oh! You've watched the whole Caitlyn Jenner trans thing unfold and gone, "You know what — this all seems fair enough. You like women being equal to men — which is all that feminism means. Because I am a chronic over-sharer, and incapable of keeping secrets. They both have that slight implication of, "I'm now going to launch into a speech that's basically about what a great person I am". " — until they feel as normal as saying "pina colada", or "Michael Fassbender". You are unlikely to get custody of your kids, and are three times more likely to commit suicide. Men, imagine if, some time around your 12th birthday, some manner of viscous liquid — let's say gravy — suddenly appeared in your pants, in the middle of a maths lesson. It's one of the defining aspects of being a woman.4.

You know babies come out of vaginas and it fucking stings, and that the vaginas are having a hard time anyway, what with all the waxing they get. You've called Donald Trump "a twat" for his sexist comments about a female news anchor being on her period. It's the 21st century and you are, most assuredly, not a dick. So, what I am going to do, instead, is tell you 12 things about women that women are usually too embarrassed to tell you themselves. It's the same as when you say the word "environment". Because remember that patriarchy's bumming you as hard as it's bumming us. You, meanwhile, are unable to talk about your feelings lest you get punched in the nuts by "a lad" telling you not to be "a bender". Being a woman doesn't make "being a woman" any easier. It's like having an exploding, insane blood-bag of pain up in your business end — nothing really prepares you for when it all kicks off. The next, you're suddenly having to wedge a tiny Barbie mattress in your knickers, crying while you watch , and eating Nurofen Plus like they're Tic Tacs. Have you ever tried to scrub blood out of a Premier Inn sheet at 6am, using just travel shampoo and your toothbrush?

It felt kinda good, so I pushed it in a bit further, but I lost grip of it and suddenly I was sat in the bath with a shampoo lid stuck up my vagina. You know the pay disparity; still 20 per cent less for women in this country, and not a single prosecution, even though it's literally illegal. Ugh.")You've seen Amy Schumer's brilliant, edgy sketches on contraception and rape, and laughed along with them. You don't need Tits Mc Gee here to take you through it one more time. No mumbling Like you, we feel a bit embarrassed about saying the word "feminism". " chats, we're just identifying the general locus of the problem, ie, most of the power and influence being held by a small amount of men. I can't emphasise enough how much it's not about burning penises. Periods We're still pretty traumatised about our periods, even though we're now 40. We're just people with a whole load more laundry issues than you. Someone who fingered you said it was like diddling a Gonk. We're not wise, or in touch with nature, or down with it. You've noted that while society's happy for a famous man to age, and become distinguished, and generally wander around looking like a fucking wizard, the women generally still seem to be 20 years younger, and standing there on the cover of magazines, all like, "Oh! You've watched the whole Caitlyn Jenner trans thing unfold and gone, "You know what — this all seems fair enough. You like women being equal to men — which is all that feminism means. Because I am a chronic over-sharer, and incapable of keeping secrets. They both have that slight implication of, "I'm now going to launch into a speech that's basically about what a great person I am". " — until they feel as normal as saying "pina colada", or "Michael Fassbender". You are unlikely to get custody of your kids, and are three times more likely to commit suicide. Men, imagine if, some time around your 12th birthday, some manner of viscous liquid — let's say gravy — suddenly appeared in your pants, in the middle of a maths lesson. It's one of the defining aspects of being a woman.4. You know babies come out of vaginas and it fucking stings, and that the vaginas are having a hard time anyway, what with all the waxing they get. You've called Donald Trump "a twat" for his sexist comments about a female news anchor being on her period. It's the 21st century and you are, most assuredly, not a dick. So, what I am going to do, instead, is tell you 12 things about women that women are usually too embarrassed to tell you themselves. It's the same as when you say the word "environment". Because remember that patriarchy's bumming you as hard as it's bumming us. You, meanwhile, are unable to talk about your feelings lest you get punched in the nuts by "a lad" telling you not to be "a bender". Being a woman doesn't make "being a woman" any easier. It's like having an exploding, insane blood-bag of pain up in your business end — nothing really prepares you for when it all kicks off. The next, you're suddenly having to wedge a tiny Barbie mattress in your knickers, crying while you watch , and eating Nurofen Plus like they're Tic Tacs. Have you ever tried to scrub blood out of a Premier Inn sheet at 6am, using just travel shampoo and your toothbrush? Chatting with an underage person is as bad as being underage.